How to handle envy of a coworker’s success

You offer congratulations while still feeling a sting

A colleague gets a project that you've been interested in, and you know she's competent, and you can congratulate her honestly, and yet for the rest of the day, the thought returns: “Why her and not me?” The reaction itself may feel embarrassing. It can be tempting either to suppress it immediately or to look for evidence that the coworker did not deserve her success. Both responses make it harder to understand what actually hurt. It's often about one's own chances, recognition, or sense of place in a team that someone else's success has suddenly put into question. In English-language research, envy refers to the painful comparison with someone who has something desired. It's a different arrangement than the fear of losing a relationship to a rival, often associated with romantic jealousy. In a job, the subject of comparison can be prestige, freedom of action, pay, or access to a manager. You don't have to desire the whole life of another person. A single advantage in an area that matters and feels comparable is enough, and that comparison can be not only about the promotion itself, but also about what it stands for. For one person, it means recognition of effort, for the other, more independence, and for the third, financial security. So two people can react with similar tension for very different reasons. If an invisible contribution is the problem, clear evaluation criteria will be needed, which does not make jealousy disappear immediately, but it does help you move from a general sense of loss to a need that can be discussed constructively with a manager. It is worth asking what, specifically, is missing from your own situation. If the issue is influence over decisions, discussing only the job title may bring little relief.

Why we usually compare ourselves with people close to us

The promotion of a distant senior executive may not affect us as strongly as the recognition of someone hired only a few months after us. The closeness of the situation suggests: It could have been me. Consider two analysts who started with similar tasks. When one is invited to work with the board, the other can see not only not only a new project but also an assessment of their own worth. This is a useful point at which to pause: a decision about one assignment is not a complete measure of competence or a verdict on someone’s career. It's worth stopping right here. A meta-analysis by Li, Xu and Kwan shows that workplace envy is associated with both individual differences and organizational conditions, including competition. The authors point to different ways of defining and measuring a phenomenon and the possibility of dependence in both directions. So it is not fair to attribute every instance of envy to low self-esteem or treat it automatically as evidence of organizational injustice. It is more useful to examine the specific comparison at hand. Li et al., 2023

Two ways to respond to someone else’s advantage

In the literature, there is a distinction between envy that motivates someone to improve their own position and envy that motivates them to undermine the other person's position. The first one can lead to the question, "What can I learn?" The second one suggests, "How can I show that she's not so good?" These are not permanent categories of people. The same person may respond differently in different situations, and a constructive direction does not make the emotion pleasant. What matters is what we do with the tension, not merely that it arose. Research by Duffy and colleagues on envy and the undermining of others takes into account the social context of these behaviors. A cautious conclusion is important for practice: emotions do not automatically turn into harmful behavior. Interpretations, norms and choices stand between the emotion and the action. In our example, an employee may seek information about the selection criteria or begin excluding the coworker from the flow of knowledge. These are different actions, even if both began with similar disappointment. Duffy et al., 2012. It should not be assumed that any doubts about the promotion are merely an emotional reaction of the loser. The decision may indeed have been based on unclear or unevenly applied criteria. Then it is worth distinguishing between two things: one’s own emotional response and the quality of the process. One can acknowledge jealousy and at the same time ask for an explanation of the selection rules. It is more helpful to identify specific discrepancies than to judge the worth of the person who received the promotion. The organization is responsible for the criteria, not the successful coworker. Directing anger solely at the successful coworker, it can make your relationship worse and leave the real problem unanswered.

Separate the person from the selection criteria

If the choice seems unfair, it is worth examining the process rather than looking for faults in the person who succeeded. You can ask your supervisor which criteria determined the decision, what was missing from their own preparation, and what options come next. A response such as “You need to be more visible” should be clarified: in which situations, through which results and according to what standard? The conversation can then focus on opportunity and development rather than comparing two people’s worthiness as human beings. Is the real goal greater responsibility, money, learning, or confirming that work has been noticed? These needs can lead to different solutions. Someone who is jealous of a promotion may actually want to influence decisions rather than manage people. Without that recognition, it's easy to chase someone else's path and miss a better opportunity. Emotion can be treated as a signal worth reflecting on, not a ready-made instruction or proof that a colleague has taken something we deserve.

How to communicate success within a team

A leader should not give up appreciation so that no one feels uncomfortable, but he can identify the specific contribution, explain the criteria, and avoid building a hierarchy of people's values. “Anna combines strong analytical skills with effective client conversations” conveys more information than “Anna was the only serious candidate.” After announcing the promotion, it is also worth following up to people who had similar ambitions. Not with the promise of automatic compensation, but with an honest conversation about their future path and real development opportunities. The general promise that the next time will be better will only postpone further disappointment. It is more useful to indicate the necessary experience, project or behavior and a date for revisiting the conversation. It is also worth agreeing on how progress will be recognized in the employee’s own case. If promotion is not currently possible, the supervisor should say that instead of maintaining uncertain hopes. The employee can then assess whether the path available suits his needs. They do not have to feel immediate joy about a coworker’s success; it is enough to maintain professional cooperation and not transfer your own disappointment to the way you treat the other person. Emotion and responsibility for behavior are related, but they are not the same.

Jealousy at work can reveal an important need, but it shouldn't control the evaluation of someone else's worth. It helps to move from asking, “Why them?” to asking about your own purpose, organizational principles and available actions. A person can feel disappointed, acknowledge someone else’s success and still advocate honestly for their own future.

Using Empatyzer to work through difficult comparisons

Empatyzer can help you shift your response to someone else's success into a more orderly conversation about your own situation. The Motivations feature gives you a starting point to reflect on whether recognition, autonomy, security or development is particularly important to you. The profile does not determine why envy arose, but it can make it easier to ask more relevant questions. In Talk to Em about yourself, the user can separate the emotion from their judgment of the coworker and prepare a goal for a meeting with their manager. A useful outcome is a request to clarify the criteria and a proposal for a specific development step. It does not compare the actual achievements of candidates for promotion and does not assess the fairness of a decision on the basis of one party's description alone. Instead, it helps to choose words that allow you to speak about your own needs without diminishing someone else’s achievements. The subsequent conversation should be grounded in evidence about the work and in the organization’s actual opportunities.