“I told you because I trusted you” — private information at work

Over coffee at the office, Nia shows Jonas an announcement for a prestigious program with only one place available.

— I haven’t told anyone yet. I really want to apply.
— It looks worthwhile.

That evening, Jonas submits an application too. Nia thought sharing the opportunity was a gesture of trust; Jonas saw a public opportunity available to both of them.

What really happened

Nia shares the information with Jonas privately. To her, the way she tells him carries meaning: “I chose to tell you, I trusted you, I let you in early.” When Jonas later acts on the same opportunity, Nia may feel that he has violated something obvious. Jonas, however, sees no rule that was ever stated. If the opportunity is public and there was no request for confidentiality or exclusivity, he treats it as open to anyone. The conflict is therefore about an agreement that, for one person, existed inside the relationship and, for the other, was never made at all.

What the research says

At work, people form many expectations that never appear in a formal contract: “if I do X, the other person should do Y”, “we do not use this against each other”, “this stays between us”. Researchers use the idea of a psychological contract to describe unspoken beliefs about reciprocal obligations. The concept is most often applied to employee–organization or employee–manager relationships, so using it for Nia and Jonas is an analogy rather than an exact match. Still, research shows that perceived failure to honour an expected obligation can damage trust even when no formal rule has been broken (Restubog et al., 2022). That helps explain how “you did not break any rule” and “I feel betrayed” can both be sincere statements.

How to handle it

When information may create an obligation, say the obligation aloud: “I’m telling you this in confidence”, “I wanted you to know first, but of course you can apply too”, or “I’m sharing this with you, but please don’t pass it on until Friday.” The recipient can also ask: “Are you just telling me, or is there something you need me to do or not do with this?” The general rule: the more important the unspoken meaning of a gesture is to you, the less safe it is to leave that meaning unspoken.

How Empatyzer and Em can help

Empatyzer can help Nia and Jonas avoid leaving confidentiality to guesswork. Their profiles may reveal differences in how strongly relationships, loyalty and formal rules shape the way they interpret information, but the system should never assume that a private channel automatically means secrecy. Before Nia shares something sensitive, Em can prompt her: “If you want this to stay between you, say so explicitly.” Jonas can be encouraged to ask: “Can I share this, or should it stay private for now?” This is exactly the kind of small behavior a micro-lesson can reinforce without a large theory lesson. Empatyzer itself follows the same principle: private profiles and conversations should not be exposed to other users. Trust grows when information boundaries are explicit rather than merely felt.