The cost of pretending to be in a good mood at work

‘We don't complain here’

After another delay, the employee says the team has no capacity left. They hear, ‘We need positive energy.’ At the next meeting, they smile and say they are ready, even though they feel angry and tired. This illustration shows how a standard of courtesy can extend to the obligation to conceal important information. Instead of saying that the plan is impossible, the employee starts managing the impression created by their face and tone. The emotional side of work becomes an extra task that is usually not on the schedule. Emotional labor doesn't just mean feeling emotion when you're doing your job. It refers to regulating emotions in relation to the requirements of the role. A person may try to stop the irritation in order to calmly explain the problem, or they may try to cultivate genuine interest. Such activities are part of many professions. The question, then, is not whether we are always allowed to express everything we feel, but what demands we make and what it costs to meet them over time. Expecting people to control how they speak is not inherently wrong. At work, we are responsible for how we treat others, even when we are tired or disappointed. The difficulty arises when professionalism begins to mean the obligation to show emotions that conflict with what people actually feel and to conceal any legitimate concerns. An employee can talk about the problem calmly without pretending to be enthusiastic. A person may also take a moment before a conversation to avoid passing that tension on to coworkers. It is therefore important to distinguish responsible regulation of behavior from demanding a particular internal state. An organization can set a standard of respect, but it should not treat fatigue, sadness, or anxiety itself as evidence of an improper attitude toward work.

Putting on an emotion and changing perspective are different processes

The literature distinguishes surface acting—changing outward expression—from deep acting, which is trying to change the underlying emotional experience. In the first case, a person appears calm even though they still feel intense anger. In the second, they may remind themselves that the other person is under pressure, genuinely changing how they feel. Grandey's model frames emotional labor in terms of emotion regulation, which helps to differentiate between these processes. Grandey, 2000. However, this breakdown should not be transformed into a simple instruction: ‘Always change your perspective and the cost will disappear.’ Trying to genuinely arouse the desired emotion also requires effort and will not repair the harmful environment. In our example, an employee can understand the pressure their manager is under and still accurately conclude that the deadline is unrealistic. The regulation should help to express the problem in a way that allows for conversation. It shouldn't be used to convince yourself that the problem doesn't exist, just because acknowledging it is uncomfortable for the organization.

What we know about the costs

Hülsheger and Schewe's meta-analysis shows that different forms of emotional labor have different associations with well-being and work outcomes. The strongest unfavorable associations involve faking an emotional display and a mismatch between felt and expressed emotions. However, it should be remembered that much of this literature deals with service occupations and contact with customers or service users. Applying every observed relationship directly to interactions between colleagues requires caution. This provides a basis for asking questions about the team's standards, not for accurately calculating the cost of each forced smile. Hülsheger and Schewe, 2011. It is important to pay attention to frequency and freedom of choice in day-to-day collaboration. Occasionally managing irritation in a difficult conversation is different from having to pretend to enjoy every decision for months. What is also important is whether there is another place to express reservations. If a calm tone is required at a meeting, but the problem can be discussed later on, the situation is different than in a culture where any difficult emotion is viewed as a lack of loyalty or resilience. The cost can be higher when you don't have a safe place to name the discrepancy. If, after a difficult conversation with a client, an employee needs to project full energy immediately at an internal meeting, there is no time to regain their balance. That doesn't mean the team should experience every emotion together. Rather, you may need a short break, an opportunity to get support, or a realistic schedule of tasks that require intense contact. It is also worthwhile to see if the evaluation of the work does not simply reward visible enthusiasm. A person who is calm and matter-of-fact can perform their duties very well, even without displaying enthusiasm in the way their manager expects. The criteria should relate to the quality of work and treatment of people, not to temperament conforming to the manager's preferences.

Professionalism can make room for difficult emotions

You can say, ‘I'm disappointed by this change, and I need to discuss its consequences,’ without attacking the other person. You can also ask for a break if your emotions make it difficult to respond constructively. That's the language that distinguishes emotion from behavior. Anger does not justify humiliating someone, but the emotion itself does not have to be prohibited. A supervisor can expect respect and at the same time listen to information that the decision is causing tension. So emotion becomes part of the information about the situation instead of an image problem for immediate removal. It is also worth considering who is most often expected to maintain the atmosphere. Do the same people mitigate conflicts, appease angry colleagues, and make everyone feel comfortable? If this is a permanent part of the work, it should be recognized and distributed fairly. You don't have to call every kindness an extra burden. However, it is important to recognize a situation where a person regularly acts as an emotional buffer and their own needs receive little attention from the team.

How to change the conversational norm

A leader can replace the expectation of positivity with a request for specific information: ‘You are allowed to be unhappy. I need to understand the obstacle and our options.’ It is also important to distinguish endless complaining from reporting a problem that remains unresolved. If the same topic comes back, it doesn't have to be the employee's negative attitude. The organization may have heard the concerns many times, but it didn't do anything about it. A good atmosphere does not require everyone to avoid discussing tension, but that it can be discussed without disrespect. ‘I want to give the client a calm answer, but afterward I need a ten-minute break.’ Such a message acknowledges responsibility for behavior and at the same time names a condition that helps to fulfill it. The leader can also say that the team has a right to voice concerns and then agree on how to raise them. It's important not to create an apparent openness in which emotion can only be named if the speaker immediately supplies a positive conclusion. Sometimes the problem remains difficult despite proper communication. In such cases, a change in workload, procedure or scope of support is necessary. Encouraging people simply to be more optimistic is not the answer to a cause that continues to create tension at work.

Emotional regulation helps you cooperate, but it can be costly to keep performing the desired mood. The team needs behavioral norms that protect people from aggression while leaving room for disappointment, fatigue and opposition. Authenticity can be calm and responsible.

How Empatyzer helps express emotion without hurting others

Empatyzer can help prepare a way to talk about a difficult reaction that remains matter-of-fact and relates to the change needed. In Talk to Em about yourself, the user can organize their account of the situation, name the accompanying tension and decide what to tell the other person. The Your internal tensions tile gives you an additional starting point for reflecting on your own needs and tendencies. It is not, however, a diagnosis of an emotional state or an assessment of mental health. The practical purpose of an interview with Em may be to prepare a message that links boundaries with responsibility, such as requests for a break or to clarify expectations. The tool does not ask the user to perform a better mood. It helps prepare communication, and it does not replace rest, professional support, or changing working conditions. In the end, the question is whether the agreed solution allows you to perform tasks with respect for others and without constantly hiding significant difficulties.