“How Are You?” — When Small Talk Means Different Things

A morning call about a joint project. Karim opens the conversation in his usual way.

— Morning, Tomasz! How are you? Good weekend?
— Yes. There are two anomalies in yesterday’s analysis.

Karim feels that Tomasz skipped the person and went straight to the task. Tomasz is pleased that they got to the point immediately.

What really happened

Karim opens with “How are you?” and, for him, the question is doing two jobs at once. It can invite a real answer, but it also says: “I see you as a person before we get to the task.” Tomasz hears the question more literally. If the answer “fine” changes nothing important, he sees little reason to dwell on it and moves directly to the analysis. From his perspective, this saves time and avoids performing artificial closeness. Karim experiences the missing ritual differently: as if the relationship itself has been skipped. The same sentence is therefore information-seeking for one person and, at the same time, a social gesture for the other.

What the research says

Linguists have long described communication whose primary function is not to transfer new information, but to open, maintain, or warm social contact — phatic communication. Research on workplace interaction shows that brief exchanges that look “unproductive” on the surface can help create relationships and a sense of belonging, and that their function differs from purely task-oriented talk (Holmes, 2000; Baker et al., 2022; see also the 2024 review on accounting small talk). This does not mean everyone has to enjoy small talk. It means that small talk is not always empty packaging around the “real” information; sometimes the exchange itself communicates something about the relationship.

How to handle it

A task-focused person does not need to build a five-minute preamble. Ten seconds of genuine contact may be enough: “How was your weekend?”, listen to the answer, then “Okay, let’s look at the report.” At the same time, a more relationship-oriented person should not force disclosure or read every short answer as emotional distance. A clear transition can help too: “I’m asking seriously how you are first; then I have two work questions.” The general rule is: before treating small talk as wasted time — or its absence as lack of interest — check what social function that small ritual serves for the other person.

How Empatyzer and Em can help

Empatyzer can help Karim and Tomasz see that even something as ordinary as “How are you?” serves a different purpose for each of them. Karim’s profile may point to a stronger need to build trust through contact, while Tomasz may approach questions more literally and task-first. Before an important conversation, Em can help Karim combine warmth with clarity: “How are you? You don’t need to give me the full story — I just wanted to check in before we move to X.” Tomasz, in turn, can learn that a brief relational question is not necessarily an invitation to give a detailed personal report. Micro-lessons help people recognize the social function of small talk without forcing anyone either into disclosure or into abandoning human contact altogether.